9.18.2005

studio apartment

A letter to myself, one I wish I’d written a year ago.



Someday you will know loneliness. You will have days when you are a leaky faucet and there isn’t a joke in the world that could make you laugh. Sometimes you will be stuck in traffic, and you will question life. You will question your existence and the existence of all the people in all the cars, all crunched together on anonymous freeways headed north and south. Some days your eyes will register a vacancy and you will realize the meaning of emptiness.
There are times when you will question whether you are sane because you begin to wonder; you begin to doubt and you begin to think about the other side of a possibility. You will feel the viciousness of adulthood, and you will cast a longing glance into your past.
You will long for companionship, for another person who will follow you wherever life may lead. Your soul will long to resonate with another person’s soul, and you will know that specific kind of loneliness when it doesn’t happen. You will feel full and you will feel empty—often in one short day.
Suddenly you will realize how much you hope in things, and you will discover how often you are let down. You will see your expectations of people and of events go unmet. You will feel that sting of disappointment and you will hold your heart in your hands, wondering why you let yourself get let down yet again.
You will stare at yourself in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you. There are times that you will catch a glimpse of yourself in your rearview mirror, and your heart may break because the pair of eyes staring back at you are the saddest eyes you’ve ever seen. Other times, you just won’t recognize yourself because somewhere along the way, you lost the little girl inside of you. You’ll want her to come back. You’ll wonder why she left you high and dry.
There are times when you will think your feelings are unwarranted. You will question the validity of your heart and will try to squelch those emotions to appear strong on the outside. Other times, you will pity yourself too much.
In the end, you won’t have conclusions. You will have growth, and you will have progress, but both of those things may be too small to see at times. Most of the time, you will just have to trust that things will work out, and try to keep your head up even when you’re convinced they won’t.

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