Too Rich For My Blood

Never! (Believe me...or don't)

My friend Ham is forever the meddlesome Yenta, trying to set people up and pair them as though they're balsamic and olive oil rather than unique individuals who, despite the fact that they have four limbs and breathe oxygen, aren't always going to be compatible just because he says so. Though I've been trying to drill this idea into Ham's head for quite some time now, it's just not getting through. He is forever trying to buy me as a suitable mate for Mike Posey, from my dad (who is in cahoots with this whole middle eastern-like affair) for a blender and a Shamwow. Glad to know I'm so valuable.

Here is a recent email exchange (sent not only to me, but to Mike, my father, and a few others) to illustrate my point:

Hello, Jim.

Tonight, I had dinner with some friends/clients who are Thai. During the course of the meal, Somchai (the husband) told me that his father paid $3,000, a diamond ring, and a set of diamond earrings to his now mother-in-law in 1983 so he could marry Montire (his wife).
I told them that I was trying to buy Laurel for Michael and that you were asking for a nice blender and a set of shammies.
Montira asked, "That's a cheap price, is something wrong?"
I replied, "No, she's just stubborn."
Do you take credit card?

Best wishes,


I responded thusly:

Seeing as how I'm a free agent these days, my asking price is technically up to my own devices since I'm my own boss. Therefore, it just went up. Exponentially. Good luck finding five millions dollars and a purebred unicorn, suckers.


*** UPDATE ***

My Dad saw fit to respond to this little Internet debacle. THANKS, DAD.

You can add shrewd to her list of qualities so my negotiations have just become harder. Yes, I'll accept a credit card if I'm released from any "product liability". I cannot guarantee qualities such as sweetness, friendliness, submissiveness, and humility. I can guarantee that someone will have their hands full.


TRENTON. said...

Pure genius on your dad's part.

spycygrl said...

This is like a modern take on Taming of the Shrew. Not that I'm calling you a "Shrew." And Liz Taylor was pretty hot.

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